"People are always telling me to relax"… or Here’s to You Rachel Robinson

Dear Rachel Robinson:

Seriously sweetie, you need to calm the fuck down. I get it that your brother is an asshole. I get it that you are only 13 and not at all comfortable being different (i.e. “gifted”) than the rest of your friends. But are either of these things really worth giving yourself an ulcer over?

Yes, your brother, Charles is quite a piece of work. But here’s the thing. He is your parents’ problem, not yours. I get it that your dad just wants to make peace, and mom just wants Charles to be, well…not himself. But like I said, not your problem. Ignore him and he’ll go away. He teases you mercilessly, I know it sucks to be teased. Welcome to the unfortunate world of 15 year old boys.

Here’s another thing, Rachel. Just because a teacher asks you if you’d like to participate in yet another extra-curricular, you are by no means obligated to do so. You worry endlessly about whether or not you could be one of the “Natural Helpers.” Truthfully, I have no idea why one of your teachers would even suggest you for that role. Straight A’s does not a helper make. So if you don’t feel comfortable with it….why even go to the training session? Why not politely decline? You talk about how Steph would make a better Natural Helper. So why not recommend her to Mrs. Balaban?

You also have quite an imagination. Your mom was short listed by the Governor to be a judge. And that night, instead of being happy for your mom, you went through this totally bizarre, off-the-wall game of what if. What if your mom sentenced a murderer, who gets out of prison and comes after the family, meaning you all will need to have security protection around the clock and then your friends parents won’t feel safe with them coming over. Holy shit! How did we get from your mom possibly being named judge to you losing your friends? Who the hell worries like that? That is not the sign of a healthy mind, my dear.

My advice to you is to cut out one or two of the extra-curriculars in your life and go take a nice yoga class. It’ll be different for you, because in yoga, there’s no race to be the best. Everyone can go as far as they feel comfortable. But you might need a whole ‘nother class just to be taught that concept. Maybe meditation is the way to go. Hell, maybe mediCAtion is the way for you to go.

I worry about you Rachel. You are going to end up dead from a stress-related heart attack before you’re even forty years old at the rate your going, or at the very least you’re going to get an ulcer! Good god, girl. You already wear a plastic mouth guard at night because of your teeth grinding! Straight A’s in Junior High aren’t going to mean shit if you’ve just worried yourself in to the nuthouse.

Yours in strength,

PS- Those mom jeans that you, Steph and Alison are wearing sure are something else!


About nikkihb

Wife. Mother. Reader. Blogger.
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8 Responses to "People are always telling me to relax"… or Here’s to You Rachel Robinson

  1. greer says:

    I agree with your advice for Rachel, except that I would replace “yoga” with “Making out with Jeremy Dragon.”

  2. Gabrielle says:

    You would think Rachel would realize that reacting to teasing makes it worse. I have a brother I had learned that by her age!But I agree with Greer making out with Jeremy Dragon would be an excellent stress reliever!

  3. nikki says:

    Oh yes….I hadn’t even thought of making out with Jeremy Dragon! Don’t you get the feeling that Rachel is the kind that’s too uptight to ever get laid, even though it’s exactly what she needs? (Or will need….I’m not really suggesting that any thirteen year old just needs to get laid!)

  4. BananaBomb says:

    I too didn’t understand why she just didn’t say no to the Natural Helper thing. Girlfriend needs some kind of stress-relieving habit, like chopping wood or something.

  5. BadKat says:

    Yeah, my brothers are assholes too, I never cried about it. I just put the smack down!

  6. Rachel says:

    I never got why she would have been selected as a Natural Helper. Girlfriend was many things, but empathetic sure wasn’t one of them.I’d LOVE to read an Alison book!

  7. Anonymous says:

    ha, agree about the jeans.

  8. Juliette says:

    You know what got me pissed in this book: Rachel mentions that Alison didn’t tell her that Alison’s mom was preggeres, she told Steph. Well, what the fuck were you expecting, Rachel? You insulted Alison and told her she was a baby and stopped being her friend so OBVIOUSLY she’d run right over to YOU instead of to her BEST FRIEND STEPHINIE. And i have a problem with perfectionists, i can’t explain it, i just do.

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