Could someone please remind me why Jana and her friends hate the ridiculously-monikered Taffy Sinclair so much? Yeah, she’s pretty, but she never really seems to do anything that makes her stuck up. In fact, I rather think Jana and her Fab Five friends are just bitches.
Anyway Taffy got a part on a soap opera. She’s missing school three days a week to film. Curtis Trowbridge, the class nerd writes an article for the school paper about it, but uses Jana’s byline because Jana gave him the idea. Then Jana gets addicted to soap operas and starts thinking everything in the soap operas is happening in real life. Then she writes an extremely bitchy expose about Taffy for the newspaper, for which she gets in zero trouble. Then Taffy quits the TV show. And I wasted two perfectly good hours of my life. Though who am I kidding, I would have just wasted those hours watching a Mythbusters marathon anyway.
Jana is a bitch for the following reasons:
- She makes no qualms about telling us that her friend Melanie is fat. Right on page two: “Melanie swallows everything” (heh, heh) “Not just mountains of sweets, which account for her weight problem.”
- She used to be a member of the Against Taffy Sinclair Club. Like I said, I don’t remember enough about the series to remember why she had this club.
- She’s absolutely convinced of Randy Kirwan’s love for her.
- She gives Curtis shit for writing the Taffy piece in the paper and using her byline even though that was their fucking agreement.
- She writes a really bitchy expose of Taffy and uses Curtis’ byline, because he’s out of town for a week because his grandfather died. Way to take advantage of the situation you dumb bitch. Then she’s convinced Taffy is trying to off herself because of what Jana wrote. Way to flatter yourself there, hon.
There is so much random ridiculousness in this book I hardly know where to begin:
- Jana thinks that everything that happens on these soaps is happening in her real life. She thinks she has an identical twin because someone on the soap who was abandoned by her dad found out she had one. She is convinced Melanie is anorexic because a girl on a soap is. She believes her mom’s boyf is cheating on the mom because she saw it in a soap.
- Jana is in 6th grade, isn’t she a little old to be believing things like that? I mean, I’m in the middle of rewatching the entire Freaks & Geeks series. So should I believe that high school is going to be full of feelings of inadequacies and having trouble fitting in and having to deal with assholes you hate on a daily basis…? Oh wait, that’s a bad example, they really did nail high school on the head. God, high school sucked didn’t it? But Freaks & Geeks rules!
- Mom’s boyfriend is named Pink. And the filthy thoughts just made everything else in my head disappear, except for the Aerosmith song, Pink.
- Taffy films her scenes for the soap the same day that they air. That is some fan-fucking-tastic editing by the soap opera industry.
- When you glare at someone, you give them a “poison-dart look”. And that phrased is used about fifty fucking times in the space of 116 pages.
- The school newspaper is mimeographed. Mmmmm….. forget what Brian Griffin sang a couple weeks ago, everything is better with a few pages of mimeographed paper. Ooh-ooh that smell!
- No teacher read over Jana’s expose of Taffy. I mean, who even typed that shit up?
- Jana didn’t even get in trouble for writing the bitchiest things about Taffy so everyone in teh school could read it! Not even a call to her mom!
- So Jana is convinced she has a secret identical twin. So she writes a letter to her estranged father saying she is dying. For real??? Isn’t she like 12 years old? I’m telling you, Jana completely lacks the ability to think things through. She’s worse than my 2 1/2 year old.
- Yeah, and she tries to sabotage Melanie’s diet.
- SERIOUSLY…if anyone can remember what Taffy ever did to Jana, I’d be really grateful. I don’t think I can stomach reading much more of this series just to find out. Though I may re-read some of the Fabulous Five series (from when they’re in Jr. High).
- I hate to overuse the word cunt. (I’ve already used it to described Jessica Wakefield and Jill Brenner from Blubber). So I’m gonna leave this up to my readers. You get a say: Jana Morgan is a cunt, yea or nay. Leave a comment. Remember: in order to preserve the awesomeness that is the word cunt, we do not want to overuse it.