"Not Taffy Sinclair, Not on television!" or Taffy Sinclair, Queen of the Soaps

*Thanks to fantasticfiction for the image.

Could someone please remind me why Jana and her friends hate the ridiculously-monikered Taffy Sinclair so much? Yeah, she’s pretty, but she never really seems to do anything that makes her stuck up. In fact, I rather think Jana and her Fab Five friends are just bitches.

Anyway Taffy got a part on a soap opera. She’s missing school three days a week to film. Curtis Trowbridge, the class nerd writes an article for the school paper about it, but uses Jana’s byline because Jana gave him the idea. Then Jana gets addicted to soap operas and starts thinking everything in the soap operas is happening in real life. Then she writes an extremely bitchy expose about Taffy for the newspaper, for which she gets in zero trouble. Then Taffy quits the TV show. And I wasted two perfectly good hours of my life. Though who am I kidding, I would have just wasted those hours watching a Mythbusters marathon anyway.

Jana is a bitch for the following reasons:

  • She makes no qualms about telling us that her friend Melanie is fat. Right on page two: “Melanie swallows everything” (heh, heh) “Not just mountains of sweets, which account for her weight problem.”
  • She used to be a member of the Against Taffy Sinclair Club. Like I said, I don’t remember enough about the series to remember why she had this club.
  • She’s absolutely convinced of Randy Kirwan’s love for her.
  • She gives Curtis shit for writing the Taffy piece in the paper and using her byline even though that was their fucking agreement.
  • She writes a really bitchy expose of Taffy and uses Curtis’ byline, because he’s out of town for a week because his grandfather died. Way to take advantage of the situation you dumb bitch. Then she’s convinced Taffy is trying to off herself because of what Jana wrote. Way to flatter yourself there, hon.

There is so much random ridiculousness in this book I hardly know where to begin:

  • Jana thinks that everything that happens on these soaps is happening in her real life. She thinks she has an identical twin because someone on the soap who was abandoned by her dad found out she had one. She is convinced Melanie is anorexic because a girl on a soap is. She believes her mom’s boyf is cheating on the mom because she saw it in a soap.
  • Jana is in 6th grade, isn’t she a little old to be believing things like that? I mean, I’m in the middle of rewatching the entire Freaks & Geeks series. So should I believe that high school is going to be full of feelings of inadequacies and having trouble fitting in and having to deal with assholes you hate on a daily basis…? Oh wait, that’s a bad example, they really did nail high school on the head. God, high school sucked didn’t it? But Freaks & Geeks rules!
  • Mom’s boyfriend is named Pink. And the filthy thoughts just made everything else in my head disappear, except for the Aerosmith song, Pink.
  • Taffy films her scenes for the soap the same day that they air. That is some fan-fucking-tastic editing by the soap opera industry.
  • When you glare at someone, you give them a “poison-dart look”. And that phrased is used about fifty fucking times in the space of 116 pages.
  • The school newspaper is mimeographed. Mmmmm….. forget what Brian Griffin sang a couple weeks ago, everything is better with a few pages of mimeographed paper. Ooh-ooh that smell!
  • No teacher read over Jana’s expose of Taffy. I mean, who even typed that shit up?
  • Jana didn’t even get in trouble for writing the bitchiest things about Taffy so everyone in teh school could read it! Not even a call to her mom!
  • So Jana is convinced she has a secret identical twin. So she writes a letter to her estranged father saying she is dying. For real??? Isn’t she like 12 years old? I’m telling you, Jana completely lacks the ability to think things through. She’s worse than my 2 1/2 year old.
  • Yeah, and she tries to sabotage Melanie’s diet.
  • SERIOUSLY…if anyone can remember what Taffy ever did to Jana, I’d be really grateful. I don’t think I can stomach reading much more of this series just to find out. Though I may re-read some of the Fabulous Five series (from when they’re in Jr. High).
  • I hate to overuse the word cunt. (I’ve already used it to described Jessica Wakefield and Jill Brenner from Blubber). So I’m gonna leave this up to my readers. You get a say: Jana Morgan is a cunt, yea or nay. Leave a comment. Remember: in order to preserve the awesomeness that is the word cunt, we do not want to overuse it.

About nikkihb

Wife. Mother. Reader. Blogger.
This entry was posted in ***CUNT LOG, Betsy Haynes, really awful books. Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to "Not Taffy Sinclair, Not on television!" or Taffy Sinclair, Queen of the Soaps

  1. Sadako says:

    Yay! I LOVE Freaks and Geeks.But this Jana sounds like an awful bitch. I never read this book as a kid but wow. She almost makes Nancy of “Are You There, God…” seem bearable.

  2. I just found your blog and I LOVE it! I totally remember this book, I read the whole Taffy Sinclair series. I even remember they always used the expression “poison-dart look,” haha, it seemed so menacing.Also, Freaks and Geeks is probably my favorite show ever.

  3. Oh Sadako Jana was pretty awful ( though as a kid I loved her) but Nancy in are you there God is so shitty!!!! For reals!

  4. Ditty75 says:

    Taffy didn’t do anything to Jana and friends. Seriously, they just hate her because she is pretty and perfect. The end of the book The Against Taffy Sinclair Club makes you feel sorry for Taffy because Taffy’s mom finds out about the club and marches herself and Taffy over to Jana’s house to tell Jana’s mom about it. It sounds like at the end of that book that Jana and her friends were going to start leaving Taffy alone, but obviously, that does not happen.I loved those books when I was a kid and for some reason, I totally jumped on the Jana and friends bandwagon and couldn’t stand Taffy either. Although I liked Taffy in the Fabulous Five books and totally got sick of Jana and stupid wimpy Randy with his “5,000 watt” smile.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Melanie sounds like a cow. Mooooo!

  6. Sadako says:

    Ditty75–once again, that’s reminding me of Are You There God? All the hate/rumors spread about that girl, Laura, for being “easy” because she developed early. All of it has no justification (not that it’s anyone’s damned business even if she did make out with guys).

  7. obie119 says:

    All Taffy did in the first book was to have the temerity to get “you-know-whats” before Jana and her friends. Horrible of her, huh?

  8. BananaBomb says:

    I remember sympathizing with poor Taffy. Jana and her cronies seemed unnecessarily bitchy. So, yay for Jana=cunt.

  9. Anonymous says:

    I read the first book (as an adult…) and got the distinct impression that Jana was *intended* to be a silly bitch. I also got the impression that she had Learnt An Important Lesson and would be nicer in future, but the existence of later books indicates not ;-)Julie paradox

  10. Alexis says:

    I can’t remember if I read any Taffy Sinclair books. (Maybe I read one?) But I definitely read a few of the Fabulous Five. I didn’t realize they were part of the Taffy Sinclair world, but I wasn’t crazy about them. Melanie was my favorite because she did ridiculous things, but on the whole I preferred the Girl Talk books. Side note: The cover of The Against Taffy Sinclair Club makes them look like a bunch of sister-wives.

  11. Lauren says:

    I read the synopses of the Taffy Sinclair books in the back of some other YA book long before I ever read any of the actual Taffy Sinclair books, and I remember being surprised the first time I read one. From the synopses, it sounded like Jana was supposed to be the evil one and Taffy was the one you should love! Makes me think whoever wrote the synopses had a better handle on things than Betsy Haynes herself.

  12. Kahran042 says:

    I feel sorry for Taffy because, well, her name is Taffy. 🙂

  13. Jamie says:

    I actually read the book "The Truth About Taffy Sinclair" before I read the Fab Five Books, so I was a lot more sympathetic to Taffy going in. Seriously, I always thought Jana was a major bitch for hating on Taffy because…she dared to be prettier than Jana? It's one thing to hate a pretty girl because she's conceited and arrogant about being pretty; it is quite another to hate a nice pretty girl because she's pretty. I don't like the word cunt that much, but I'd definitely have to agree that Jana is one.

  14. Jeanne says:

    OMG, I didn't know that there was more than one Taffy Sinclair novel. I need to catch up!

  15. Courtney says:

    Did you ever read "Taffy Sinclair goes Hollywood"? It was entertaining, and told the story, from Taffy's perspective, of how she filmed a role in a movie. Since I read that book before any other "Taffy" story, I was always sympathetic to Taffy and hated Jana for her rampant bitchiness. I'd like to think that the Fab Five and Taffy books were subtly trying to point out how unreasonable Jana & Co. were being, but maybe that's asking too much.

  16. Anonymous says:

    Okay. I've read enough of these books: Taffy Sinclair Strikes Again, Blackmailed By Taffy Sinclair, The Romance Machine Disaster, etc. I've NEVER liked Taffy Sinclair. I was always on Jana's side. Jana did not come across as a bitch to me. Ever. We forget how Taffy acted towards Jana and her friends, not to mention she was a SNOTTY person. Jana never hated Taffy for her looks, but her ATTITUDE. So there's my two cents.

  17. Anonymous says:

    That ho was jealous b/c Taffy was the first to grow boobies. However, I secretly wanted to be in Jana's crew. Those bitches RAN shit! And yeah she was a bit cuntish!

  18. trulymelanie says:

    Oh my goodness… Jana?? No! She's a sweetheart. I was completely obsessed with The Fabulous Five series when I was a tween. I would buy each new one as they came out and read all of them. It's so strange to read that Jana was portrayed as bad in the Taffy series, which I never read. In the Fab Five series, Taffy is barely mentioned; it's Laura that takes the place as the new arch nemesis! However, there is a book in the series about Laura that explains why she acts the way she does and you feel bad for her ("Laura's Secret"). I think the author Betsy Haynes tried to show both sides of person and not sterotype them as bad or good.

  19. Pingback: Good things happen in threes | Are You There Youth? It's Me, Nikki

  20. Susan Hilbert says:

    I remember feeling that it was really about Jana getting her programs confused with real life. Poor Taffy Sinclair was only a plot device at least, subplot at most.

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